Vegans need to go.

You’re a vegan? For reals? You sure you’re not being “facetious”? (Inept dilettantes like using this word now, thinking it may elevate their intelligence but it doesn’t.) So you stop eating anything delicious just to make a point? And what point is that? That you are a cunt? (I'm only calling you cunts because I don’t know your hippie names personally) There is no reason whatsoever to be a vegan. Not even for diet purposes. If you want to lose weight, then exercise bitch. Its unnatural, it’s elitist, it’s an obvious proud product of economic imperialism, and it’s a serious sign of being mentally ill.

Unnatural.

Whatever some stupid upper class dalai lama-lover told you that being vegan is being one with nature and the elements of the universe is a drugged out imbecile. Our teeth are used to break down and chew meat. We take necessary nutrients and fats needed to grow and stay healthy. Why do you think its illegal to feed a baby a vegan diet? Because there aren’t sufficient vitamins and nutrients in that raw piece of East Indian grass you got there beatnik. You will go straight to jail if you do not give your baby the meat it needs.

As humans we have been eating meat since we began to walk upright but yeah of course. You’re right liberal douche bag. Your diet is the best and only way to have a healthy diet. The millenniums of human evolution fucked up and you’re ideology is inherently correct because, after all, you do have a bachelors in Sustainable Peach Growing from UC Berkeley, you cant be wrong about it. I mean every developed country in the world (even some of the non developed ones) have healthy citizens that live into their 70’s and eat chicken, pork, and even…dun dun DUN… RED MEAT.

The myth that beef is bad for you is as stupid and overdone as crocs and snuggies. Argentina, for example, eats more red meat than any country in the world and they don’t have an obesity epidemic, YOU Americans do. Maybe it’s the shit fast food that caused the obesity problem, not the cows themselves. You can never blame greed and corporations can you? Of course not because you worry yourself with platitudinous subjects like animal rights instead of pertinent topics like war, exploitation and poverty. It might be because those topics are too complex for you to understand so you cry over some dogs that Mr. Vick may or may not have killed. (I hope the raiders sign him)

Background Life

If you are a Vegan, it is most likely that your momma didn’t know how to cook or she refused to cook. Because if anyone in this world has had any homemade meals than they know how delicious REAL food can be. No restaurant in the world is better than your mom’s cooking, if, that is, your momma knew how to cook. Most likely you are anglo-saxon white if you had some bland-ass dry-ass gross-ass food growing up, because if you are any other ethnicity you have no excuse for growing up with bad food. Growing up with bad food is something that needs to be explored by your therapist in great detail, because in my professional opinion (yes I am a professional, just because I don’t get paid doesn’t mean my shit aint gold mutha fucka) if you are deprived of homemade meals as a child, that is straight up abuse and you don’t have to take it. Just go to your nearby taqueria and get yourself some al pastor tacos, it will not cure you, but it will relieve some pent up aggression towards your horrible and malicious parents.

Semantics

Vegans supposedly don’t eat food products that come from animals. Word? …What the fuck is wrong with you? Does honey count, because that shit is delicious, I would eat honey even with bees stuck inside. Chomp Chomp.
Ok so milk and cheese is out, which leaves you with what? Just fruits and vegetables? But what about fruits and vegetables that grew in fertilizer that was made from Horse poo? Oh so you cant even eat vegetables that was farmed with animal manure? Damn you vegans got it rough. Fuck Darfur, give these Vegans some humanitarian aid, no wonder they look so gaunt. Poor pussy Yippies, if only they could obtain some protein and fat into their weak system.

Oh and from now on, if you want to be pretentious to us non vegans, then you can’t use the name of our foods and change the entire recipe. Cheese, for example, comes from either a cow, a goat, or a lady, not from soy or some other useless plant. Curdled piss looks like cheese but we don’t call it cheese now do we….do we? Or there is this thing called vegannaise (I hope I'm spelling it wrong) which is a vegan substitute to mayonnaise. This substitute contains soy protein, brown rice syrup and some other nasty shit that, not surprisingly, taste like nasty ass shit. Stop trying to trick your taste buds, if you want some mayonnaise, eat some mayonnaise, if not shut the fuck up and finish your dirt pie AS IS.

Addressing the Vegans

You want to partake in these paradoxical events (Cheese without the cheese, mayonnaise without eggs) because you want to have your cake and it eat too, but of course without any butter. You seem to believe that you are entitled to reject foods of the masses and urban underlings and enjoy your selective poorly-farmed food products that cost more money because it allows your ego to grow and condescend upon the rest of the population. Your superiority is constantly questioned (Segregation is gone, everyone can afford tv’s and ipods, a black man is president) and so now you must create an elitist pseudo culture in order to validate your puny and insipid existence.

Do you know how hard other countries laugh at your ascetic ways? Even the starving laugh, but at the same time cry because they do not have the luxury to even think about choosing to be vegan. The starving are SO vegan that they don’t eat anything. What now 35 year old-dreadlocked-white guy from Walnut Creek. How insulting is that? Has a vegan person ever met a poor person? How would that conversation go?

Haitian – “You are from America yes?”
Vegan – “Aw man, don’t judge me for than maaann. That’s why I'm traveling dude, just trying to get away from all those negative vibes there man.
Haitian – “Well it is nice that you get to travel. I must stay here in my poor village to work and feed my mother and sisters. As you know, there has been a food shortage in my country. I hear you Americans eat a lot?”
Vegan – “yea maaann. America is just filled with stupid fat white men. But that’s not me though bro. I’m a vegan, so I can get closer to the earth.
Haitian – “What is vegan?”
Vegan – “Oh let me tell you about it. Its this lifestyle where you only eat what is natural, no animals or animal products like cheese and milk. Just organic vegetables and fruits.”
Haitian – “So you cannot eat animals?”
Vegan – “Well I can, but I choose not to”
Haitian – “So you choose not to eat animals?...”
Vegan – “…yeah maaann. One with nature.”
Haitan – “Can we exchange passports?”

Just like gentrification, veganism is another pernicious bloodsport that bored wealthy people are participating in, due to their lack of culture and family bonding. They obviously do not realize their insensitive racism and ignorance that they emit into society because they never consider the opposite situation.
You want to move into the ghetto? That’s good, then we send one ghetto ass kid into your suburban neighborhood. Tit for tat. You want to eat like a third worlder? Fine then ship your dumb-ass to the Sahara and live there without a job or internship. You will be eating dry rice every day. Every. Day. Your dream come true.

Why?

Extraneous! Extraneous! Extraneous!
Why torture yourself? Its obviously not going to stop global warming. It wont even buy us a minute. Is it going to get you laid? Your veganism wont, but your drugs might help. It is going to help you live longer? Probably not. Even if it gave you 5 years to your life, does dying at 70 that different from dying at 75? So you forfeit any pleasure from food for the rest of your life just to live an extra few years, if that’s even the case? That’s why veganism needs to be seriously studied and attributed towards mental illness. If anorexia is a disease, than so should veganism. Its actually worse because people who suffer from anorexia aren’t super bombastic. “Psh. You eat? Gross”

Solution

I propose a quarantine for vegans, just in case this affliction spreads to the youth. Lets give them North Richmond and people from North Richmond should move into North Berkeley. I think its fair. Maybe the toxins from Chevron and the lack of employment opportunities will shake some goddamn sense into their dense minds. It may be “cool” to eat like a starving man, until you are actually starving, man.